We all need to feel valued, important, a sense of recognition… THIS IS ME!

‘Me’ is important, however allowing the emotional ‘Me’ to find your sense of wellness and positive self-image in place of just being, just knowing, just accepting who you are may habitually become a boil on your psyche that may need to be lanced.

Consider what I am trying to say by looking at this example, how the website Facebook controls how some of us behave.

Some use this site to engage with the outside world – friends, family, activities, personal interests. Others will use it to find love, that special someone to make their life experience one which they have long sought. Some will use it for the social games that tie them to the page 24/7 365!

Others will also use the page for a sense of importance… the more friends they have, the perception of popularity is increased, and the sense of ‘I am important’ is emotionally gratified.

Reflect on this… like a smart phone, would you feel lost without a Facebook in your life? FACEBOOK = What in your life?

There is something deep inside all of us that yearns for a sense of meaning, it drives us on through life; many of us aren’t aware that we subliminally and often unconsciously choose to look outward for that vital meaning – looking on Facebook may offer answers, but I suggest to you, that it will not ultimately be the right answer.

We often read or hear the expression ’just let go!’, wise words.

Not doing so will chain you to the emotions and whims of others, chain you to expectation, chain you to your past, chain you to those rotten habits that in turn chain you permanently in a place that you have privately long grown tired of.

Emotional detachment. Think about it; it may reveal something of immense value to you that on reflection, was your missing ‘life jigsaw.

So communication then is entirely instinctive, and moreover, vital. It becomes even more vital in the workplace where those of us who are fortunate enough, spend so much of our time. Miscommunication in this environment is an irritant at best, and at worse – and at an operational level, potentially catastrophic.

At whatever level of seniority you are, or whatever it is you do, it is a good idea to not only accept that communication and your efforts to improve communication skills are important, but that communication should also be viewed like mastering a new language — that is, taken seriously!

In many cases, technology originally designed to aid us and simplify processes and activities we once found challenging or irksome, have become the cause of much miscommunication. Why? Because the most popular mediums used — e-mails and texting — have now seemingly at times, caught up with what comes naturally to the vast majority of us; SPEAKING!

These two mediums require reader interpretation, and where a tone of voice can illustrate a mood or sentiment, no such option is available using e-mails, texts, and other digital messengers. Get it wrong (and this is not uncommon) and unwanted issues could arise.

So here’s your first challenge in 2012: where once you would make a grab for your digital device, instead choose to pick up the telephone, or if possible walk the ten metres from your desk and engage using what God has blessed you with – a voice!

Now that we have established that you are capable of looking another person cheerfully in the eye, ready to begin a conversation, let us consider how you should do so.

REFLECTION:

It is sound practice to be alert to the ‘energy’ of and around your audience. By that, I mean try to consciously gauge the mood and emotion of your target audience. Consider whether the timing is right and if the environment is appropriate. Ask yourself, are you the ‘ideal’ messenger?

Though what you have to say is probably important to you and what you do in the workplace, will it also resonate similarly in the mind of your audience? So before you open dialogue, think a little about what it is you have to say — the consequences, the impression it may make, operational impact. A little pro-activity is always beneficial.

THE MECHANICS:

Some of us have a natural tendency to speak quickly; not a good idea if you’re attempting to convey a critical message accurately and with clarity. Slow down, be a little more deliberate, and another vital tip — PAUSE.  This will give the listener the opportunity to fully comprehend, absorb, and hopefully retain what was said prior to your strategic moment of silence.

In a group setting, this technique is even more effective.

Another common mistake you must keep in mind to improve communication skills face-to-face, is the use of link phrases, and or colloquial terms like, ‘you know’, ‘it’s like’, ‘er’, etc. These expressions will often be heard after every sentence uttered. In a social setting away from work, perhaps it is tolerable; however, in the workplace, and specifically in meetings or presentations, it is a NO NO. Don’t do it!

LISTEN:

Good communication is founded on a simple principle. When one person talks, the other person listens. But how often do you find yourself getting so wrapped up with what you’re trying to say, that you ears are muted to what the other person is attempting to say in return. This is bad communication, and if you can identify with it, you’re a bad communicator.

Very often this type of exchange will play out through a phase of high passion or emotion. It will sound to those not involved, like two or more people squabbling, with raised voices, or similar.

The truth is, if you’re not ready to listen, then there’s little point in attempting to communicate or trying to improve communication skills, because you will not be doing so.

There’s a saying: ‘while the foolish talks, the wise man listens’. This is worth remembering during any communication exchange – even more so in group settings.

You may or may not be familiar with this term “active listening.” Wikipedia’s definition is as follows: Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to understand, interpret, and evaluate what they hear. The ability to listen actively can improve personal relationships through reducing conflicts, strengthening cooperation, and fostering understanding.

If this concept is new to you, it is likely that your Human Resources department will be acutely aware of it; as such, it would be wise to seek out a member of the HR team and find out more. It will be well worth it!

BODY LANGUAGE:

Subliminal communication happens naturally. This will be in the form of body language. It is important to be aware of this vital information channel when intending to communicate directly.

Here are some examples:

• If you speak with your arms folded, you will send out a message of unease, defence, even aggression.
• If your audience is sitting down, lower yourself to their level. This removes any sense of threat or superiority.
• If you and your target are sitting down, unless your audience is behind a desk, sit at a 90 degree angle to them, this encourages good eye to eye contact, while ensuring an ‘open space’ as opposed to a closed one – if, for example, you were to sit directly opposite. The latter is a little more confrontational.
• If in a presentation or group setting, and your audience is sitting while you are standing, constant movement from right to left will become a visible distraction. You want your audience to focus on what you’re saying, and not how your dress flows in the gentle breeze, or that odd gate of a walk that you didn’t know you possessed.
• You will know about the hands in pockets from your school days, so I don’t need to elaborate too much here.

Where possible, mimic body language, always be presentable and prepared, and offer plenty of ‘cheerful’ eye to eye contact, whether one-to-one, or one-to-many. Your audience will need to feel that what you have to say matters to them, and they matter to you.

Most importantly, SMILE. A happy disposition improves communication 10 fold.

It does not matter whether you’re a Siamese twin, husband and wife on the verge of a Diamond Wedding Anniversary, tutor and pupil, parent and child – we are who we are at that time, in that moment.

You are not you one more second into the future, nor you, yesterday; you are who you are NOW!

Now holding this thought could make some of us feel a little uncomfortable, particularly if the person you are certain you know only too well, may be, just may be someone completely unknown to you.

If you could shadow that person for just one day without they knowing you were doing so, do you think you may be surprised by what you could witness? Shocked even?

Is it conceivable that we have a private face and a public one? Or several faces? Now I am not likening this to an actor or celebrity who under the spotlights plays out their alter ego, but behind closed doors is a very different person completely, no I am attempting to highlight those activities and behaviours that you know only too well; you would not, and could not reveal to someone else, anyone else, even those closest to you.

WE ALL HAVE THEM!

As social beings, we instinctively morph our personality to communicate effectively with others at a physical and energy/spiritual level.

This could even mean from time to time, throwing on the veil of a façade, smiling from the lips but not from the eyes, altering or masking our accents, lowering or raising our tone of voice, changing our preferred mode of dress to make that important impression, to be included, liked and admired.

It is one of a few reasons, that so many of us attempt to layer who we are on to that other person – we try to change them, make them fit into our view of the ideal so that our understanding of them is more readily accepted, understood, and any potential shocks diluted to a ‘I can deal with this’ level, allowing you to continue life with a certain amount of peace of mind; factored-in expectations, and cordial bliss.

How often when someone dear passes away, that something or other about their life comes to light that even you, yes you were not aware of?

So here’s my point…

We can only work with what we know, when we know and how this information is made clear to us – we are all constantly CHANGING, knowingly and naturally – the person you were last year, will not be you next year.

Circumstances change, opportunities arrive and slip away, people enter and will leave your life path, events occur that can throw can you out of kilter, alter your mindset, even set your growth temporarily into reverse.

It is only the ACCEPTANCE of change, that will enable self-growth without your ‘chosen’ external conditions attached.

So you, and I would, and should be more willing to come out of our human closet, and make the truest and most honest declaration that could be made, by announcing now – I AM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM!

It is not that unusual to find that those who live their lives in a positive way, express positive mantras and are regarded as positive role models, will often attract hostility, jealousy, suspicion and other negative responses.

This is perverse isn’t it?

I am able to highlight just two of history’s most powerful names from many that could be presented as an example of this; Jesus Christ and Martin Luther King Jr.

So what exactly is it that creates ill feeling towards these good people? Why are they looked upon in an underhand way as a ‘do-gooder’, liberal and worse?

Some may argue (and there is some truth in this) that it is because positive people arouse discomfort in some, by making mentally public the privacy of their deficiencies, and or a hidden deep-set wish to be just like them… a kind of reverse compliment if you like.

Indeed, those who are seemingly blazing-a-trail, may meet open hostility from peers instead of support. Those who are blessed by nature with good looks, will often be the subject of covert ridicule and slit eyed, teeth gritting admiration, and those with the innate gift for inspirational ideas and turning them into monetary fortune, will for sure have more enemies than friends.

There is a thought that I hold dear, it is this… If you want to REPLICATE, it is wise to EMULATE.

In short, if you want to have success and all things good in life, it is a wholly good decision not to distance, cut off, dismiss and undermine those achieving success; but instead try to discover the secrets of these very special and remarkable people.

Positive people will often willingly share their knowledge, success principles and positivity in a blink of an eye – they believe unerringly, that by giving and sharing, success will eventually amplify and rebound.

It is easy to succumb to the daily bombardment of negativity; it is EVERYWHERE – so it is really a good idea, and relatively easy to lock on to what is poor information, are negative role models, corrupt ideals, and quite frankly, those who are down right negative, and do your utmost to erase them from your life.

Just like what you consume in the way of food and drink will have a gradual or instant affect on your physiological well-being, so it is, of the negativity that is all about us – absorb it, and IT WILL ABSORB YOU.

Enshrine All Actions With A Positive Attitude.

Acknowledge The Past, but Embrace The Present.

Practise Consistency Of Purpose.

See The Bigger Picture Without Compromising The Detail.

Know That With Faith And Application Comes Hope.

Never Underestimate The Strength Of Your Family.

Be Unguarded To The Richness Of Change And Diversity.

To Treat Everyone And Everything With Value And Without Expectation.

Not Turn One’s Back On Those Who Remain Constant In Your Life.

Accept That Only LOVE Can Truly Remedy All Evil.

You know, with all these social networks – we are seemingly ever more cautious about this person and that person, in some cases rightly so, while in others the judgement is often a reflection of our own insecurities and prejudices.

Yet some of us spend many long hours trawling profiles and hopeful images of him, her, or them.

There is a lot of precious life time wasted here; very often needlessly in forming irrational, fact-free opinions that ensures that your status-quo remains today as it was yesterday, though you dearly wish it would change.

The truth is of course, nothing changes unless you do!

These popular social networking sites will often have a theme. Some are business focused, with other sub-categories so that you can connect and interact with like-minded folk that will probably share your interests. In many cases one has to be checked-in prior to becoming an approved participant.

Others are much more liberal, allowing the user to connect to whomever will accept an invitation… in such cases, similar interests like music genre, race, political ideals, gender, nationality, faith, sport etc, may play an important role in determining who you would choose to connect, or ‘friend’ or ‘follow’ with, or instead simply bypass on your merry virtual journey.

For those shrewd enough to understand the pros and cons of these seemingly ever mushrooming sites, manipulation and even more undesirable sinister pursuits can be leveraged. So there are certainly some merits in being picky and diligent.

There is also a positive argument that these mediums can allow some of us to interact virtually with people who ordinarily just would not happen in the big bad ‘real’ world.

From incredibly famous people who you have always admired, to that special person you’ve always had a distinct amorous interest in, but could not or would not dare to make an approach to, even over the telephone – but a short and crisp virtual nudge with a sentence or two, is a much less stressful procedure.

You can be incognito by choosing an avatar or photographic image of your choice, the ironic upside is, very often this will achieve your end goal – CONTACT!

You know, for some of our more younger members of society, this IS the first step in meeting someone, the chat up line with all the ‘physical’ risks that may accompany, is surely a dying skill set – you can’t get SLAPPED by your laptop right?

For all the good that technology brings us, it also takes so much goodness away.

As a user myself, I often sense fear, anxiety, and ever more analysis paralysis through the radiation of my GUI every day – and it really is not a good experience.

We are HUMAN BEINGS, we are all fallible, and we are by our very nature born to interact, even if it means we face rejection, hurt and other risks – this is how we learn, and whatever we learn, forms the very tiniest ingredient of universal wisdom.

Is this potentially marvellous reward for being true to ourselves first and others second, something so many of us have daily chosen to underestimate, ignore; often with zero reflection?

The greatest of men and women have often been the target of the harshest of rejections, and ill-treatment. But these brave and persistent people, will have gained so much from their experience, much more than if they chose a less challenging path.

So the next time your imagination of anxiety runs wild, the next time that a potentially life enriching opportunity slips from you never to return, because you’ve spent weeks if not months painting ‘oh dear’ or ‘what if’ illusions about this person or that person online, without ever knowing the first thing about them, should be the time you choose to slay your virtual judgements.

You do not define anyone with your judgment. You only define yourself as someone who needs to judge. Wayne Dyer

I know that there are no limits to my potential, and that my potential is only limited by me.

I know that by being positive in my thinking, that positive action will follow.

I know that when I cast off fear, that opportunities appear.

I know that by being selfless, that I invite generosity.

I know that when I choose to truly forgive, that I must also choose to forget.

I know that my actions will not only affect my life, but the lives of others too.

I know that by welcoming change, that I welcome experience and wisdom also.

I know that my truth, my integrity, my principals need not be suppressed in the pursuit of success.

I know that I am thought, energy and love, and that my body is a precious gift to me.

I know that what I do on this plane, will result in due judgement in another.

I know that a good word, can inspire the deepest minds of many for the good, and that a bad word will ultimately destroy.

I KNOW.

What about your mindset – do you seek short-term happiness or long-term contentment? 

Do you tackle life by carefully setting goals, planning how to get there, and thoroughly enjoying the ride?!

Or is it the reassurance and need of that someone special? That someone who stimulates, will challenge you emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually; it is their special presence which makes you feel so good inside, wholesome, able to cope with your world.

They know your hot and cold buttons, their journey is your journey and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have looked at what drives us pretty much in these ways, and have tried to offer some identity.

We’re either motivated to reach or acquire specific targets in life – Car, Job, Fame, Money, Status, Property… (commonly material driven), or we want nothing more than to love and be loved  - to see your children grow up and become successful, to right the wrongs in the world, helping the down trodden, your personal calling (commonly emotionally and or spiritually driven).

Of course for some of us, it can be a combination of both.

But what if your life is seriously fast paced, chasing the dollars, feeling the need to be ahead of the game, itching for that latest gadget, the must have ‘good looking’ person on your arm, that photo with that celebrity to post online, the YOU incorporated…

Is there anything else deep down that may be missing to fully complete your life’s jigsaw puzzle?

Or are you constantly aware of the days turning into weeks, and on into months as your life seemingly has no distinct meaning or purpose?

Will your tomorrow be no different from today? Life is a routine that offers no sense of growth or achievement.

What about you?

Understanding what can drive and motivate you to look forward to tomorrow, is important. Indeed self-reflection is important.

It can help to improve your personal relationship, your career and the lives of those that matter most to you. The more you take the opportunity to understand yourself, the more those around you and their world will make sense.

I would like you to reflect on this a little more… which of the two categories do you align yourself with most, and why?

What is your driver in life?

We show kindness, we receive gratitude…

I give, you receive…

We believe strongly enough, our belief transpires…

By acknowledging our failings, we can appreciate our strengths…

You harbour bitterness and vengeance, hurt and isolation will encase you…

Let go of your past, and the future glow of opportunity will await you…

Someone laughs uncontrollably, you too will raise a smile…

We show the door to evil, and only good will come knocking…

And thought inevitably leads to action…

Today choose to LIVE the Law of Reciprocation.

Anyway, my mind is inclined to work overtime, become supercharged once stimulated, and just before entering the land of nod, I previewed what it is that I wanted to express here today.

The energy we call ‘Life’, will make clear, opportunity in a range of identities on a regular and consistent basis. Some opportunities are grasped while others are missed; nothing too startling there you might think, this is obvious – and you would be right. We do know however, that those who grasp, will often be sitting at the head of the table of success, but I digress.

We humans are a fascinating species; often a paradox in how we behave.

For instance, when it comes to self-preservation, addressing pain, responding to life threats, we do not hesitate to act. Indeed it is as if we are programmed to deal with the matter in hand without hesitation, without thinking – it is instinctive! So when danger, hurt, threat lurks, we know exactly what to do, even with limited knowledge or ability – we just do it!

On the other hand, when it comes to pursuing the good things in life, those things that ‘we know’ will improve our lives, makes us short-term happy and long-term contented, we procrastinate, mull over and deny ourselves the obvious choice to make! Why?

If there is an expert on such matters, or a stimulated follower reading this who would like to enlighten, I invite you to comment.

We may feel drawn to that someone, but we will not venture to open dialogue through fear of rejection or feeling foolish. We know that by making an effort to exercise more, that our health will benefit, yet it is easier not to… In short, where positive benefit and positive experiences can be had, we dilly and dally!

An opportunity missed, will almost certainly lead to the ‘if only’ silent voice in your head at some future date.. yes that gnawing, exasperating feeling of regret. Whether it is if only ‘ I did’ or ‘did not’, it does not matter one jot, the opportunity has gone, it is in the past; and though the obvious choice was staring you point-blank in the face, you um’d and ar’d until the angel of opportunity sought a more welcoming subject for her gifts.

So here’s my point. Why wait?

Why wait to ask the question that is constantly on your mind? Why wait to get yourself off that sofa in front of your TV and do a little exercise? Why wait to make that call, write that letter or send that e-mail? Why wait to say ‘I LOVE YOU’ ? Why wait to pursue your dreams, realise your potential and live the life you deserve, and is there for you to have!?

WHY WAIT TO REGRET!?